We can all agree that 2016 has been an absolute shitter and to top it all off I have just bought the wrong sodding Camembert for tonight's cheeseboard.
But as I sit and reflect on a truly heinous year there are a few lessons I have learnt from the happenings of 2016.
1. SCANDAL HAS RUINED MY LIFE
Unless you are a legitimate presidential candidate/ running a secret organisation that is consequently running the world/ named Jake Ballard I am not interested in you now or ever. Further to the unobtainable boyfriend goals, Scandal has shattered any sense of normality in relationships. 5 seasons later I don't want a boring kind of love where you Netflix and Chill, go out for mediocre dinners and regale each other with the dull proceedings of your day, no no no. I was a desperate, destructive, aching kind of love that you try and overcome but you just can't because the love of your life is the ruler of the free world. They adore your sass (because there is a shit tonne of it), they indulge you in a rainbow spectrum of Prada bags and you argue in such a way that you both leave feeling empowered. So basically...I'm ruined.
2. PLANET EARTH IS LIKE A UNIVERSITY DEGREE
When it gets to 8pm on a Sunday evening and all you have done over the course of the weekend is lie in a hungover pit of McDonalds (at a push gone for brunch), there is no more welcoming sound than the dulcet tones of fair David Attenborough. Who knew birds cleared their own bedrooms to impress their mates, that penguins lived such perilous lives and that new-born lizards could escapes those pesky little snakes. Apparently there's a real world out there, beyond avocados, Gucci bags and Instagrammable holidays. Since the airing of Planet Earth II I have hunted the length and breadth of Richmond Park (well just the side that's closest to the bakery) but alas the magical Attenborough is yet to be found. If anyone knows where he is, PLEASE keep him safe.
3. I WOULD HAVE MADE A REALLY GOOD LAWYER...
...If every case was against Baz. In general though, no, I would have made a terrible lawyer I can't remember a single piece of law I learnt and the only person I can easily manipulate is dear old dad. When pitted against him it's like something triggers inside of me and I spew fire like a dragon/ Donna from Suits. Words I never knew were in my repertoire suddenly erupt like a volcano of vocabulary closing in the ultimate put down of: 'Baz, I am right and you are wrong so do as I say.' The apple doesn't fall far from the bossy tree.
4. I HAVE FINALLY REACHED ADULTHOOD
I had been stocking up my brownie points all Christmas break: there was not a chore I resisted, nor a cup of tea I didn't offer to make (badly, under the pretence they wouldn't ask again), a dish that wasn't washed and a table lacking in Bhatia bouj. Undergoing a Bhatia Christmas is much like the Herculean tasks - it's strenuous, exhausting and relentless. But I did it, one because Geeta is my ultimate babe, but mostly so that Baz would buy my Gucci bag of dreams. And so with brownie points in tow we blazed down the M40 to Bicester Village only to realise I don't really need another handbag, or another pair of over-priced trainers. Instead I indulged in a room diffuser...that was in the sale. That is when it dawned on me: I am an adult. I bought something I needed rather than wanted. I need my room to smell like The White Company store, obvs because that's adult goals.
5. IT'S OK THAT I'M NOT A VICTORIA'S SECRET MODEL
When I first went backstage at the show I felt like the most inadequate woman in the world. The models are next level babes and my greatest achievement is hitting a 7 on a really, really good day (with filter). But I didn't let these negative thoughts plague me for long because these girls get paid real life dollar bills to look that good. It's their job to be goddesses among mere mortal, much like it's my job write about menial things and find funny memes on the internet. And if we swapped well, the Instagram world would loose a fervent regrammer.
6. I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH CRYING
It's like a knee jerk reaction. As soon as I see someone cry, I cry. Adverts, films, X Factor auditions, people on the tube, random strangers who I have no emotional connection to - it's a problem. I have tried to overcome this curse, but having seen Baz blub at everything I do I feel the problem isn't deep rooted familial issues but just a genetic default.
7. NO ONE APPRECIATES MY SPEED
I'm a plodder, or as Baz likes to call us 'observers', we slowly amble through life taking in the particulars and specifics because we rush for no one and nothing. So when I posed the following question: 'What is the fastest I have ever run the 100m?' for the annual Christmas quiz I expected a comical response. But 1 minute and 15 seconds takes the fucking piss. When I finally digressed that I hauled my ass over the 100m line in 17.8 seconds, the champagne flutes came crashing down. Yes, that's right Usain Bolt is technically only twice as fast as me.
8. INSTAGRAM IS NOT REAL LIFE
They are merely highlights of a low life. Do not be fooled by the constant bravado of boujis breakfasts, Chester behaving like a normal dog and perfect eyebrows. Sometimes it's pesto pasta out of the pan, crying into my pillow after watching endless American Idol auditions and being so hungover I lay flat on the kitchen floor until someone comes home to look after me.
So there it is, 2016 for all it's faults, failings and Trump related disasters has taught me a lot about myself. Who knows what life lessons I could learn in 2017 - that I can actually run a mile? That I can wake up at 6am and live an organised life? That Chester obeys my every command? The possibilities are not endless but indeed open.
Happy New Year!
Fatty BB xx